Sunday night, was my own personal hell. Not because I had a fussy baby (I didn't) but because I couldn't sleep. Occasionally I get this sense of anxiety out of nowhere, try and psych myself out of it by taking Benadryl- when said Benadryl will fail me and cause a paradoxical reaction of complete exhaustion and inability to sleep! That's what happened Sunday night. As I pouted in our room for a couple hours, pouted in the guest room tossing & turning a few hours, rinse and repeat.... I got MAYBE 30 minutes of sleep, total.
I get a little crazy when I don't sleep. We learned that after Jesse was born. I sobbed to my husband that I couldn't get up with him anymore. I had failed breast feeding, I was exhausted, and I don't fall asleep easily. By the time I'd fall asleep it was that EXACT moment he'd start screaming and we'd start the whole feeding, snuggling cycle all over again. I was really emotional for the first few months after he was born. That was with sleep. Take away the sleep and postpartum depression... sank in heavily. That whole "Sleep when the baby sleeps" advice didn't apply to me because it takes me two hours to relax, and that's typically what he slept. So I'd always be on edge, unable to fall asleep. Anxiety causes insomnia, and insomnia causes anxiety. Ugly black hole of a cycle, isn't it?!?
This should paint a picture in your mind that sleep and I are co-dependent. We need each other.
Luckily, we had a PA clinic at work and only 6 patients. So after a couple hours at work my boss let me go home, wonderfully and sympathetically. I was able to take a LONG nap when I got home as my sister-in-law was gracious enough to keep Jesse while I napped. My roommate and husband also were quick to let me relax and get some needed rest. I am surrounded by WONDERFUL people.
Jesse (husband) and I have decided I would be much happier if I was able to work part-time. This is our new dream we are working towards. Once Jesse is a teacher I will work full-time for the next year or so, and when we are ready to have another baby, then I will go part-time. I need a weekday at home so I can do laundry, watch the kid(s) and spend time with them, cook, be domestic. There is half of me that LOVES being a working mom and half of me that YEARNS to be more domestic.
And who knows what I will want in 3+ years, but for now it's our dream and something to strive for.
3 comments:
I am working toward a house with a yard. It's gonna take time too. I'll pray for yours, you pray for mine? :)
(((HUGS)))
You know I can totally relate. I failed miserably nursing my son - - he kept losing weight and I grew more frustrated. Finally the doc said to nurse and bottle feed and I said forget that. If I'm doing bottles, then I'm not also nursing. Sure made me feel like a failure to a while until I realized that there are a lot of women out there that have had trouble nursing. On the sleep thing, I'm learning how important sleep is. I'm also learning that you have to find what works for you. I have a mind that won't always "shut off" at bed time. For me I've found that sitting quietly on the couch with a cup of sleepytime tea and reading helps me relax. Somehow reading something, anything shuts off my mind from the zillion of thoughts that go thru it. My daughter also has had trouble sleeping and she found that listening to relaxing music helps her. There is a sleep CD that she got from Joanne Rittmueller that has songs on it to help with sleeping. I just know she found one that works for her. Good luck. The Benedryl, etc. route is not a great way to go. Besides making you possibly sleepy or even the paradoxical wide awake, they dry you out - - not a good thing.
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