Despite All My Rage, I am Still Just a Rat in a Cage...

Jesse let me download some music yesterday so I can workout to something a little more upbeat and so I could get a couple songs I talked myself out of buying the entire CD for the one song I liked: Mainly Rascal Flats "My Wish" and Carrie Underwood's "So Small". I love those songs right now and really need the encouragement.

I have been feeling discouraged lately. I didn't realize starting a new job would be so hard. I feel constantly like I am an idiot. Or like I am in PA school all over again. It's rough being surrounded by people who could do this in their sleep and I am the lowest on the provider totem pole. But it has definately been challenging me and putting me out of my comfort zone. At the end of the day it'll make me a better PA for it. But at the moment, it's a lot like my pre-pregnancy jeans- a little too tight and uncomfortable, but sort of fits.

So I have been studying like mad, trying to get ahead of this knowledge deficit. And I don't know if I am suceeding or not. I talked with the head PA today and she wonderfully instilled some more confidence in me by telling me I really won't feel like I am starting to "get it for a few months." So I guess I need to stop being so hard on myself about not getting it. But not too easy that I don't try to get it.

Baby Jesse is being a pill. He likes staying up with mommy late, lately and its made me groggy and grumpy. I am trying to let him self-soothe tonight and it is NOT being successful. I will need to go rescue him from his crib in a little bit if this continues. He is tired. He rubbed his eyes 4-5 times but he FIGHTS it like crazy. I hope this doesn't mean he has inherited that terrible sleep fighting thing we Arendt's do.

Big Jesse has one more week left of his first set of classes for the ACE program. He seems to be doing well and is getting good grades.

Im tired. Husband just got home. Grey's is a stupid re-run. I am going to bed.

Happy 26th Birthday Jesse! (The Tall One)

Today was Jesse Sr. 26th birthday! We woke up and decided to go get breakfast. We went in to wake up Jesse Jr. and he was already awake. He was just being super quiet and looking at his window and curtains. Mom took us out for breakfast at Shari's and I got to try eggs benedict for the first time (which I love) and Jesse got cinna-sations breakfast platter (which had to be as big as his entire face and then some!). Then we went to do some shopping!

First we went to Costco and got some essentials and then we went to Kohl's. They had a big clearance sale and I had a coupon so we bought Jesse some shirts for school. I had some more shopping to do so Jesse took the baby to change him in the van, and ultimately locked his keys in there! We had to call some friends to rescue us. While we waited Jesse ran back to Costco to buy formula (the diaper bag was locked in the car too) as mom and I walked to Target to buy bottles and a toy to distract an irritable baby boy! and it worked.. he quickly fell asleep once we got the food situation under control.

Afterwards we ran to the grocery store to get a few last minute essentials for Jesse's party. Then we went home. Melinda and mom went out shopping while we put the baby down for a nap and we cleaned the house getting ready for our guests.

At 530 pm our friends headed over and we had dinner. Chicken Alfredo with egg noodles, salad, and french bread! Mom bought a Costco birthday cake- buttercream frosting and vanilla cheesecake mousse is to die for! oh, and we had vanilla bean ice cream! Jesse got some pretty great gifts too but ultimately was glad to spend time with people we love!

Now its died down and we are enjoying the last moments we have left with Grandma (mom)! Jesse and Emma were so cute at the party too. We about died when Jesse tried to eat Emma's foot and she was downright upset about the whole thing. Or the times Jesse tried to steal her doll (weird, I know ;))

So Happy Birthday Jesse... it's nice to be the only 25 year old left in the house...... (*devilish cackle*) But I am quickly running out of time.... ahh!

Saying Goodbye, Going Away...

Today was my last working day at St. Al's with trauma. I miss it. I tried not to cry. I wasn't successful. It sucks when you have to leave because they cut your hours and you loved your job. But the new job at the Spine Institute is going just fine. It's hard when people ask me how I am doing, because I am not allowed to do ANYTHING yet. So I am trying to learn but I am a hands on learner.. so this new stuff is killing me.

Sarah, out!!

Grandma's Here!!

So baby Jesse is excited. Grandma Arendt is here in Idaho until Sunday for a visit. And he loves staring at her. He looks at her like, "you're vaguely familiar but I can't quite place you. But you look fun!" She is loving on him and bought him a Cat in the Hat from Kohl's (inside giggles between Sarah's) She even took us out to Red Robin when she got here for Jesse's 26th birthday! Tonight I am being lazy and holding the baby but refusing to do housework or workout or anything. I have no motivation. And grandma is on duty!

The kitty (Tinkerbell) has decided she loves the baby. And when he pulls on her hair (a 4 month olds version of petting) she looks at us for help, we remove his death grip from her fur and she runs away. No growling. No scratching. And typically she is not a nice cat, so she has made some MAJOR improvements in her personality. Apparently ignoring your animals (cat's especially) after you have a baby has a positive effect on said attitude problems?

We are all exhausted. This is what I mean when I say I am lazy today. I have no motivation or physical energy. Mentally I could take on the world!

Big Jesse is doing well in his education classes. He is going to Park Ridge most days to do a reading class hours required for his program and he really enjoys the teacher he is working with. He bought me a laptop for Valentine's Day (and he is still getting lovely smiles from me because of it) and my only complaint is that it's too smart and I haven't figured out how to make it OBEY yet. Even typing this blog was a struggle.

I get to sleep in for a bit tomorrow. I am supposed to go into the Spine Institute at 9am tomorrow. But I'm wondering how late I'll end up staying? Thursday is my final working day at Al's. The nurses and my office are throwing me parties because they are awesome! I am so going to miss them, but I also look forward to this new job and had a good time Monday. So right now I am unsure but all signs point to this will be a good thing.

Anyway, I am going to try and be a little less lazy now. I doubt I will succeed. But at least I thought about it.

First Day at the Spine Institute

So I slept very well last night, despite being worried the anxiety of starting a new job would keep me awake. My tried and true method of avoiding long naps and caffeine made me exhausted at 10pm. And I slept.. no benadryl assistance needed. Awesome!

I got there way earlier than I expected. My time to work calculation was off because it was President's Day so I pulled into the Moxie off Overland (really nice one too!) and got some Mango tea and thought of the days Sarah (my sister-in-law) worked there. They were friendly.. but Sarah used to ask me a ton more questions like hot or cold and always had some recommendation to make my tea better. They did not. But were still friendly.

Then I pulled into my new job. And luckily Shannon (the head PA) was there and showed me around. The clinic wasnt open that day but I was going to have a short day of paperwork and observing a surgery. So I did all that and I am already home!! So not a bad first day at all! And the folks at the Spine Institute are really nice and keep saying, "We are so excited to have you here!" Which makes me feel a lot more at ease.

I am at both places this week. The Spine Instute Mon, Wed, Friday and then St. Al's Tues and Thursday. My last working day is the 19th and then I am taking PTO all the last week in February. So I am phasing out soon.

Thank you for all the well wishes, prayers, and pleas from, friends at Al's to not go. I appreciate you all so very very much!

Missing the Fun Parts of Pregnancy

I really miss being pregnant sometimes. Don't get me wrong.. sleeping on my belly, sleeping the entire night without having to get up once to pee (let alone 4-5 times), my arms no longer going numb while I sleep, the lack of a waddle when I walk or the intense pain on my pubis symphysis, or simply being able to stay in the OR and not want to pass out once- is all cherished. But somethings are just not as good as when I was pregnant.....

Take for instance- orange juice when I was pregnant with Jesse. I couldn't get enough orange juice!! We basically had a love affair, me and orange juice. And now I taste it... and it's just orange juice. I could live the rest of my life and not drink orange juice again and feel like I didn't miss out.

On 8 Central today they had these glorious chocolate chip cookies I had once while I was pregnant. They are filled with fudge. And they were good. Great in fact. But I swear when I was pregnant the heavens resounded and God spoke his personal and infinite love for me... these cookies were THAT good. But not now. They are good.. but not the same. No heaven's resounding. No God speaking to me.

And the worst of them all was tonight. I have been feeling crummy with a migraine this afternoon/evening and thought a bath might cheer me up and help me feel better. I made the tub the perfect temperature and even brought a book (my pregnany relaxation techniques relived) and as I let the tub swallow me in its splendor.. I was disappointed. It was ok, but not great. It didn't have the same effect that a swirling baby being released from the intense pressure to my back had.

A year ago Jesse was taking me to the ER because I was having intense abdominal and back cramping that put me in tears and we were so scared we were going to lose little Jesse. As you all know, luckily that was not the case and our little angel has literally transformed our lives and made us better people.

I am so glad he is here and I can play with him and snuggle on him. But I miss our bond we had. It was special. Our new bond is great- hey smiles and giggles at almost everything I do or say. But I try not to tear up when he displays behaviors of "mom, put me down now. I need to play and grow on my own." I know it's what's best for him and for me.. honestly, I couldn't go on being pregnant forever (that's only true on Family Guy) but I hope next time I will take the time to cherish those feelings instead of "oh, that's interesting" or " I am too nauseous to CARE."

But for now, I wanna spend time with my family and not think on it again until the time comes where Jesse is going to be getting a sibling and that is some years out yet. I just needed to blog it. One day I will come back to it or a kind friend will point out to me this so I can reread it and remember the fun parts of pregnancy. :)

Count Down Begins....

My official last day at St. Al's is next Thursday, February 19th.. and it's getting there so quickly. People I work with have been great and have told me frequently how much I will be missed. One person said, "well, it's going to be really sad to see you go. You've been a bright spot in this place." It's nice to hear that I have been able to shine Jesus' love to those I am around. At the end of the day THAT is what makes being a working mom somewhat bearable.

Next week I work both places part-time. Mon, Wed, and Friday I am at the Spine Institute. Tues and Thursday I am at St. Al's. It's going to be a nerve racking week! But I am looking forward to figuring out my way around ortho spine and getting to know their PA's.

So my other test for my thyroid came back stone-cold normal. So I did my research. Turns out a TSH lags behind 6 weeks. And if you'll recall, about 6 weeks ago I was having my anaphylactic reaction to an antibiotic I was taking. One of the causes of a false-low TSH test is corticosteroid use. And I was on steroids. So after discussing this with my OBGYN (through her wonderful RN) we are going to retest in a month to see if it still says I have a low TSH or just a normal (or an actual problem consistent with my symptoms). I feel all smart for figuring all this out, mind you. Go me! ;)

Big Jesse is loving his classes. He came home from one the other night and just chatted my ear off about all he had learned. I have been VERY encouraging of him being passionate about what he does, and boy was he EVER. It's nice to see him doing something he enjoys. Watching his get ready in the morning for DirecTV was the most depressing thing to watch EVER. So watching him be happy is pretty awesome for me. He got a subbing position for language arts this week and enjoyed that immensely.

Baby Jesse is just the cutest! There are some video's of him chattering with his cousin Emma on Facebook and he is such the talker! He never seems to let Emma get a word-in-edge-wise. He has had a couple nights where he stayed up later because of teething.. which made one miserable mommy (due to sleep deprivation). But I do have such a great kid.

Sigh..........

So something is wrong with my thyroid. I tested as HYPERthyroid though, which is weird. The only time I had symptoms similar to hyperthyroid were right after Jesse was born. Anyway, they are doing some more tests and I should know more Tuesday.. but it looks like I might have postpartum thyroiditis.

I have a week and some change left at St. Al's. It's depressing because I like my job just fine. It sucks that I have to leave. Had this happened two-three years from now this would be a blessing. We just can't do it now. I'd love to be home more with my baby. Ideally I'd love to work 28-30 hours a week. But for now, this change is what we need.

We bought a fondue pot today as our combined Valentine's gift and we love it! I am in love with fondue. It's all my favorite foods. I could live on it forever..... *sigh*

Exhausted, Yet Blessed....

I had an excellent weekend with the NNU debate team. I missed my little boy something terrible though. And when I got back from Washington, Jesse x2 came to NNU to pick me up. The baby (and my husband) was so excited to see me!! He started flirting with me, smiling, and cooing. It was a wonderful "welcome home mom (and don't you dare leave again)" ->just from him!

We gave him his first rice cereal on Monday too. He made the "this is terrible" face and then proceeded to demand more. Sarah (my womderful sister-in-law) brought over the rice cereal so we wouldn't have to run to the store and pick up some. And she was there with Emma for the big event. Baby Jesse is getting SO CUTE (I didn't think it was possible either) and likes to hold Emma's hand now. He even has figured out his walker and knows that pushing the buttons leads to funny sounds and THAT makes him giggle!

It's been hard to get into the swing of things at work. I just don't feel like myself. I am tired, cranky at times, my hair is falling out like crazy despite it being recently cut, and my skin is much more dry than I am used to.

It's hard coming to work now, knowing I'm just going to leave in a couple weeks. It seems almost pointless. It's so hard to get up in the morning when it's almost over. And it hurts too. I feel like I am leaving my second family (and I am a little teary eyed about it as I type). The nurses are amazing and try to lift my spirits by reminding me how much they are going to miss me (and apparently I was a major topic of 8 Central's last staff meeting and all 3 of them- how cool am I? ;))

But I feel so blah. The office ladies are sweet and introduce me as their "Sarah." They love me so much that they can be supportive of me leaving because it's best for my family, and still be sad because we have gotten so close! I am one lucky Physician Assistant!! Some of my doctors even seem a little more downtrodden than usual.

The day or two the scale said I'd lost 9lbs, apparently were lies. I have lost a grand total of 2lbs over the month. And the only time I cheated was on the debate trip. And there is no way I was bad enough to have gained 9lbs! So needless to say, I'm feeling very discouraged.

If you're on Facebook, take a moment and look at the photos I am in. Have you seen my eyes? I look severely sleep deprived! Thing is, I am not. I get MORE sleep than my husband and he looks GREAT! And we have an amazing baby boy who SLEEPS. So I don't have a whole lot of excuses…..

I saw Dr. Anstine the other day, I am having some girl problems, and it was interesting when she pointed out how stressful my life has become. She literally stopped me mid-sentence to say: "so you JUST had a baby, you're switching jobs, your husband is out of work and back in school…. And you're handling ALL this ok?!?" I told her I thought so, … I'm handling it ok… but not as well as I'd like.

I'm blessed with such a wonderful and supportive husband. He prays for me, for us. He helps out around the house and ALWAYS does the dreaded chore of laundry he knows that I hate so much. And he is taking on a lot of the caregiver responsibilities just so I can rest. He hasn’t told me I look drained and exhausted, but his actions (in retrospect) say so much.

I'm scared about the next transition. I know it's going to be fine, but it sucks to start new all over again. I'm sure in a few weeks I will be blogging about how much I enjoy the new job. But right now, I feel insecure and unsure. I'm relying all I have in God right now.. because as you can see I have no energy to worry anymore. I need to let go and let God… and I would appreciate all your prayers!

Despite 2009 starting out kind of crummy though, I am focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. Like, we can't go to Jenn's wedding in Australia- but Jenn is coming to US in March!! I miss my family and my MOM is coming to see us February 17th-22nd. Lots of exciting good stressors too. Big Jesse's birthday is coming up and baby Ward celebrates his 1st birthday on Valentine's day. So lots and lots of stressors. But good and bad.

I'm pretty sure God knew when he created me that my life would ALWAYS be on track for the fast lane. When things slow down, something big is waiting in the wings……..