As Emma's Arrival Comes Near.....

I have been feeling like crap this week from a nasty cold that will not go away (and has over stayed its welcome). So naturally I have been sleeping a lot lately between coughing fits hoping it will just go away. As much as hoping it will go away doesn't work on people, clearly it does nothing for colds either. The in-laws were in town this week for Thanksgiving. It didn't go bad at all. It was fun watching how the grandparents and Uncle Bruce interacted with Baby Jesse. He got a little fussy the past couple days intermitently, but we think he might be starting to cut a tooth.

Thanksgiving went well. My super diligent husband was hard at work on the turkey while I went to work for a couple hours. I came home and the house felt warm and thanksgivingy. Sarah, Melinda, and Rose helped out a bunch too while I went searching the house for things I could feed the dishwasher. I got a little carried away because people started setting down their cups near me and told me, "this is my cup. I'm not done with it yet, I'm just going to the bathroom."

I have a habit of trying to organize things. Not as much as the OCD woman that the OBGYN Center allows to come in on her luch break to tidy up their office, but still pretty bad. As Jesse says, "I throw nothing away so things get really cluttered, and Sarah throws EVERYTHING away- including paychecks!"

But Thanksgiving gave me a lot of thoughts of what I am thankful for. And with Baby Jesse here those have changed a lot. I am thankful for so much and in ways I never realized. I am thankful for (in no particular order)........................

1. Family: No matter how much they iritate you, they sure do love your son almost as much as you do and never fail to gush about every milestone, smile, or adorable look he brings.

2. Friends: We have the greatest of friends here in Nampa. God has made it abundantly clear that this is right where we belong. They love us and were just as excited about baby Jesse's arrival as we were. Maybe not as antsy, but close. And they have provided for baby Jesse in so many ways. We have only had to buy a few pieces of furniture, diapers, and formula. He has so many clothes (up to 9-12) that he might not ever wear them all. Good thing we are saving them for future generations and passing on the gender neutral ones to Emma.

3. Job: My doctors are great and have blessed us with gifts, etc. They continue to ask me how the baby is doing and let me help and learn new procedures now that I can tolerate the OR (I was a very dizzy pregnant lady). And it is a blessing to know that they all have kids and understand.

4. A Healthy Son: Not only is he healthy and thriving, but he is SO good! He generally is happy if he has recently been fed and pooped. He has mastered smiling faces, giggling, and a pouty face that just makes you 'aww' at him. He was worth the wait and has built a new place in my heart for an impossible amount of love.

5. A Wonderful Husband: I still feel like I am getting to know him all over again, but he is amazingly strong and consistent. I have been feeling crummy this weekend and he has been trying to take care of me. He still looks at me like he did when he married me. And watching him be a father to our son is by far the most adorable thing I have ever seen. It still cracks me up that they have matching heads (shape, hair style, calicks, everything) and easy-going personalities. So Baby Jesse is very well named.

6. That my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are so close: I love watching Jesse's sister Sarah with Baby Jesse. She is such a natural! She plays with him and loves every aspect of him nearly as much as I do. She always goes out of her way to tell me something cute the baby did or something the doctor said (bragging) about the baby. And Jason often has something funny or clever to tell the baby too. I am so excited for them to be parents! And they will be- very soon. Jesse woke me up this morning to tell me she had gotten admitted to the hospital. Jesse's parents had to leave and we are waiting. I am so excited I decided to put all my nervous energy into blogging about it.

I can't wait to post the first Emma and Baby Jesse photo's. I hope so much for the two of them. I hope they get along and become good friends. I want Baby Jesse to be a good cousin to her. He is so easy going. I only worry that the pestering tattle-tale gene might get handed down, which I have no tolerance for.

I am so excited that Sarah is finally going to experience what she has been wanting for years. It has been a long time coming and it's finally here! There really are no words for how amazing this moment is.

The Baby Alarm

Baby Jesse has a motion sensor monitor. it works off the princess and the pea idea. You put the sensor pad underneath his crib mattress and it detects 'micro-movements.' Essentially it can detect if he is breathing, moving, anything. In the event it does NOT detect movement for 20 seconds it sends off an alarm. The only time we'd ever heard it was when we would take him out of his crib and forget to turn it off.

Until last night. We were asleep in the nearby guestroom and at 455am we heard his alarm go off. We jumped up and Jesse (surprisingly) beat me into his room. We looked down. He was breathing and in the middle of the crib just as we had left him. The alarm went off for maybe 3 seconds before it was off again (detecting another movement). The pad was placed still underneath his crib.

I have no idea what happened last night. Either he was breathing so quitely the sensor couldn't detect it, he was stuffy and forgot to breath for awhile, or it may have saved his life (such a scary thought!) But either way I am so glad we invested in this product. I just pray I never hear it again. But at least this has solidfied in BIG Jesse's mind that it is VERY important to make sure this is on every night.

Such a scary way to wake up Saturday morning!

Cranky but Full of Hope

I haven't been inclined to write much lately because I have been in such a cranky mood. Though nothing in my life is actually "wrong" I couldn't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. It came Friday. And it wasnt horrible, not bad at all. Just- my job was being restructed. Not really sure how yet but it will be. And everything sounds positive. I will be busier (which I love. I can't stand sitting around waiting). I really think this will be positive and provide me with even more job security, which in today's economy and being without a contract is very coveted. As my dad says, "everyones job is being restructured or let go right now. Just be happy it's the former."

I really do like my job. I love the people I work with. I like my patients. And there are a lot of perks working at a big hospital (can we say free Christmas turkey!). I am still struggling with the fact that I enjoy my job but that I feel like I am abandoning my baby boy. And really I'm not. Jesse's home 2-3 days I'm gone anyway. Plus, I feel like my son would be proud of me. I help people. I leave him to help people who are hurt. God called me to be a Physician Assistant. I know I am fulfilling God's calling. But somedays I get it in my head that I am a terrible and 'abandoning' mommy. Yet, I know I'm not. I don't think I'd struggle this much about this if I were a guy. *Groan!*

Despite feeling down lately, I have been so blessed. The RN's, doctors, and other midlevels I work with continue to let me know how much I am appreciated. My doctors have blessed us with more gifts. We got an awesome car seat, a nice gift card, beautiful blankets, towel, toys, etc. I knew when we trusted God with this pregnancy he would provide and he truly has- even in little ways. But I didn't count on how MUCH he'd provide through the gifts of other people. These people all truly care about us. These are the stories I tell my mom when she asks why we won't move back to Bremerton. Why Idaho is truly our home.

Baby Jesse continues to grow and develop right before our very eyes. That country song "Don't Blink" comes to mind. He is rolling from his belly to his back more often now. Somehow he gets more handsome every day (and he is the epitome of CUTE) and Jesse tells me that when I call, it seems to soothe him and he often smiles or giggles. I LIVE for that. As I told my husband, "I don't care if you're lying, but tell me more stuff like that."

There are so many exciting things going on. Waiting for our niece to arrive into this world. Jesse's family coming to town for Thanksgiving. All kinds of excitement in the very near future. I hope the crankiness wears off. But for now, I have to stop giggling and tend to Baby Jesse- my husband JUST changed him and he just made a sound in his diaper that told us- Haha, you changed me to soon!:)

Confessions of A New Mommy

Here are some thoughts I had on my drive home today....

Leaving my son every morning is not getting easier, it gets harder-
With every passing day he gets cuter, funnier, and more of a personality. Leaving that is impossible. I am, however, amazed at God's strength to literally lift my feet off the ground and get me to work (safe too).

The ONLY reason I can tolerate it is my son is blessed with an amazing aunt-
She loves to watch him and is as diligent about the baby details as I am. I trust her as much as I trust myself with him. Not many people that have to work have that kind of blessing.

I feel incredibly guilty about working-
Like I will miss out on the little stuff like his first steps or something. And that on my death bed I won't feel like I should have spent one more moment working, so I should spend more time with my son.
However, I come home and just love on him. That whole absence makes the heart grow fonder is totally applicable. I hardly hand him over when I am at home. I love cuddling him and just admiring every new detail I learn about him (have I mentioned he has the most beautiful eyelashes- and LONG).

I believe that I will always think my baby is smarter, more attractive than any other baby that has ever exsisted-
Every detail about him I hang on to. So when the doctor is impressed that he is more alert than most 6 weeks old he has seen- I'll take it a step farther. My son is the smartest baby ever.

My son is more exciting than TV-
Every noise, blowing bubbles, passing gas, funny faces, smiles are way more exciting than anything else in the entire world. I am perfectly content staring at him to see what he does next. Sounds wicked boring, but it is my form of entertainment.

It's still a little hypocritical but my baby's spit up isnt gross. All others is- Thats right. My baby can spit up on my shirt and I am not nearly as bothered by it as I am if its another baby. In fact, I have lived in it when I was on maternity leave. Gross right?

I am already planning another baby-
And I think it's because my labor with him is not what I expected and I want a second chance to "get it right." Like that matters but thats all I can figure out. Also, baby Jesse is an awesome baby. But we need to get (husband) Jesse through school and I need to focus on lil Jesse for a few years before we introduce siblings. Plus, really- I am not ready for another pregnancy just yet. I have just discovered the wonders of laying on my tummy, having energy, being able to get 6 hours sleep and feel refreshed, not waddling, fitting into prepregancy clothes, having a bladder that can hold a liter and not flinch, etc. Plus, I want to look sexy for awhile before I ruin it all over again.

Well hope you enjoyed that. I needed to brag, talk out a lot of the emotions I have been having lately. It makes me feel better.

But baby details.. we put lil Jesse in the bathtub with me yesterday he started floating and (OMG) swimming. He was smiling and really seemed to enjoy it. Apparently he still has that swimming reflex from birth. I was told that studies show that babies <3 months that are exposed to water are more confident and better swimmers as they age than their non-exposed counterparts. Weird, and I dunno how true it is but he seems to love water and REALLY enjoyed the bath. It was the coolest thing I have seen in a long time!

He may be 6 and a half weeks old- but I love my baby boy!!

Where Have All the Weekends Gone To?

Going back to work Thursday was not as horrible as I had imagined. In fact, it was the opposite. I was blessed with so many we are glad you're backs that it truly made my day. Going to work was one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long time. But at least once I get there the wonderful people I work with make sure I feel like I made the right decision.

This weekend was nice. Not that we did anything major. Friday night we went over to the Read's and played some games and had some of Ty's no-bake butterscotch cookies. Saturday we had Jason, Sarah and the Hoyts over for dinner and just hung out. Jesse also got to play super hero by helping the Reads fix their truck.

Sunday was church and a nap. Seriously, that is all we accomplished. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and Jesse works a half day at one of the schools. He also has a position as a kindergarten aide on Wednesday. We are hoping he might be able to find another position or two this week.

I have realized that motherhood is so much more than I could have ever comprehended. It has literally changed me. Maybe not in any obvious ways to most people, but my priorities have changed drastically. I am now happy just sitting at home after work, cuddling my baby. I am content being boring. It's really weird for me, but kind of cool.

Of all the life changes I have undergone, I'd definately say having a baby was the BIGGEST. I am glad we have Baby Jesse. He has opened my heart to so much more love than I thought was even possible. I realize I will always worry about him and that I may never again feel like I ever know what the best option is (this is something I was VERY capable of doing before I became a mother). But it's ok. And I wouldnt trade this new me for anything. Adjusting is hard, but now that we are seeing a light at the end of the life change tunnel, I think I can say for Jesse and I, we wouldnt change it for the world. Being a parent is so hard. Yet of all the accomplishments I have, it is by far my proudest achievement.

Thoughts Before I Return to Work and Car Seat Angels

Today is my last day at home with Mr. Man. I am pretty bummed to be leaving him but excited (or anxious) to get back to work. Pray for me that everyone is encouraging and happy with me getting back. Leaving my precious baby boy is hard enough and I need what I am leaving him for to be great, not just ok.

Jesse has worked twice this week as a substitute for Extended Resource Aid and has really enjoyed it. He likes being in the schools and feels like thats really where he needs to be. He is trying to get some hours shadowing secondary science teachers right now.

We are getting excited about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Jesse's family comes out for Thanksgiving and stay with us. We are excited for his parents and brother to meet our new little guy. And for Christmas we are flying out for about 9 days to Washington to spend time with my family. I can't wait to see Baby Ward (my nephew) and how much he has grown. He will be 10 months old when I see him next and the last time I saw him he was 5 months old. Time sure does seem to fly by.

Today we took our car seats to Mercy Medical Center and had them checked. We found out one of them had been recalled and the other one doesnt fit in my car in a safe manner. Luckily we have a convertible car seat we bought at Costco and put that in the van and put the car seat in Jesse's sister's car as she will be providing a lot of his child care. The lady who runs the program is phenomenal! Her name is Sheri Ainsworth and if you need a car seat check in the Nampa area she is wonderful and amazingly thorough! She can be accessed through Mercy's website and she actually will call you back (Amazing- I know).

Thanks for your prayers and thoughts. Life has certainly changed and it seems for the better.

Here it is............

I've decided to join the masses and start a blog for our family. The myspace blog was fun while it lasted but annoying since only half of my friends can read it as some are not on myspace, facebook, etc. So I figured we should go for something a little more equal opportunity if you will. Plus, I can write stuff even while I am at work. This was not do-able otherwise as myspace was blocked for being a "dating" website according to St. Al's.

Baby Jesse is doing well. He will be six weeks old in two days. And I have to go back to work in two days. I am mostly excited about going back as I miss all of my friends at work and the patients. I am nervous because a lot has changed while I have been gone and I wonder if the expectations will be the same or radically different. I am trying to keep an open mind. I know I will be fine regardless.

In other news, Jesse recently quit his job at DirecTV. Having our son and being stuck in a dead-end career made him realize he wanted to do something meaningful for a career. Right now he is attempting to substitute teach for Vallivue school district and plans on doing the ACE program at NNU to get his teaching credentials. It's a little scary not having his stable income but if we live within our means it is very do-able.

Having our son is teaching me a lot of things fast. For instance, how badly I need to be patient and to go with the flow.

But in the midst of all these life changes I am still struggling with juggling being a physician assistant, mother AND a wife. Our relationship has changed so much and it still seems foreign and weird in a lot of ways. It's definately not the relationship we had before our son was born. I know God has blessed us and that this new relationship will be a better, stronger one. I just don't see it or feel that yet. People tell me that will get better with time. I am waiting. And despite the patience I am being taught- I hardly exercise it on this level.

I thought I had totally avoided the majority of postpartum depression but was hit with it majorly last week. I am starting to feel better and hopefully taking a turn for the sunny side of things. But there have been days where I couldn't see the positive in ANYTHING. I hate feeling that way.

Please keep our family in your thoughts and prayers. This week is made up of huge changes and please pray for strength to endure it all.