Cranky but Full of Hope

I haven't been inclined to write much lately because I have been in such a cranky mood. Though nothing in my life is actually "wrong" I couldn't seem to shake this feeling of impending doom. It came Friday. And it wasnt horrible, not bad at all. Just- my job was being restructed. Not really sure how yet but it will be. And everything sounds positive. I will be busier (which I love. I can't stand sitting around waiting). I really think this will be positive and provide me with even more job security, which in today's economy and being without a contract is very coveted. As my dad says, "everyones job is being restructured or let go right now. Just be happy it's the former."

I really do like my job. I love the people I work with. I like my patients. And there are a lot of perks working at a big hospital (can we say free Christmas turkey!). I am still struggling with the fact that I enjoy my job but that I feel like I am abandoning my baby boy. And really I'm not. Jesse's home 2-3 days I'm gone anyway. Plus, I feel like my son would be proud of me. I help people. I leave him to help people who are hurt. God called me to be a Physician Assistant. I know I am fulfilling God's calling. But somedays I get it in my head that I am a terrible and 'abandoning' mommy. Yet, I know I'm not. I don't think I'd struggle this much about this if I were a guy. *Groan!*

Despite feeling down lately, I have been so blessed. The RN's, doctors, and other midlevels I work with continue to let me know how much I am appreciated. My doctors have blessed us with more gifts. We got an awesome car seat, a nice gift card, beautiful blankets, towel, toys, etc. I knew when we trusted God with this pregnancy he would provide and he truly has- even in little ways. But I didn't count on how MUCH he'd provide through the gifts of other people. These people all truly care about us. These are the stories I tell my mom when she asks why we won't move back to Bremerton. Why Idaho is truly our home.

Baby Jesse continues to grow and develop right before our very eyes. That country song "Don't Blink" comes to mind. He is rolling from his belly to his back more often now. Somehow he gets more handsome every day (and he is the epitome of CUTE) and Jesse tells me that when I call, it seems to soothe him and he often smiles or giggles. I LIVE for that. As I told my husband, "I don't care if you're lying, but tell me more stuff like that."

There are so many exciting things going on. Waiting for our niece to arrive into this world. Jesse's family coming to town for Thanksgiving. All kinds of excitement in the very near future. I hope the crankiness wears off. But for now, I have to stop giggling and tend to Baby Jesse- my husband JUST changed him and he just made a sound in his diaper that told us- Haha, you changed me to soon!:)